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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in koi_lungfish's InsaneJournal:

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    Monday, March 17th, 2014
    6:06 am
    Casting Out the Unclean
    The following, through long experience, I can assert to be undoubtedly true:

    • 1: There are entities in the internet.
      • 1a: They like to make nests in wireless routers.
      • 1b: These nests cause chronic line speed issues.

    • 2: These entities may be cast out from their nests by rebooting the router whilst shouting "Out, demon, out!" and pointing a stern finger.
      • 2a: It may take a few days for this to become effective
      • 2b: The interval of time between exorcism and ejection are directly proportional to the distance between the router and the bathroom.

    • 3: The demon will make itself manifest as a huge dirty horrible leggy hairy giant spider
      • 3a: Screaming and gibbering are allowed in response to the manifestation

    • 4: The giant spider demon of the internet must be captured and thrown out of the house with the traditional tools of the exorcist; a glass and a piece of cardboard
      • 4a: If the giant spider demon of the internet is not evicted promptly, it will make its way to the bedroom of the most severely arachnophobic person in the house and lie in wait on said person's veil-curtain, over said person's bed, causing said person to be unkindly evicted from their warm and comfortable bed at six in the morning and sorely trying said person's determination to treat 3a as optional and not wake said person's housemate.

    Spiders. Fuck 'em.

    Current Mood: intimidated
    Current Music: Dawn Chorus
    Thursday, January 9th, 2014
    2:48 pm
    We're baaaaaack!
    Just got internet running at Chez Woffanfish Version 2. Should be around for chat tomorrow, hurrah.

    Now, to catch up on a month's backlog of internet kersplagh.

    Current Mood: accomplished
    Current Music: Sephiroth - "The Clock of Distant Dreams"
    Thursday, May 2nd, 2013
    5:19 pm
    Why I Am An iFish
    So, as mentioned, my poor iMac's HD expired last week and I've been reinstalling things since Monday.

    The last thing I had to install was iWorks [the blonde bimbo little sister of Microsoft Office]. Installed it fine but it wanted a serial number that, well, went down with the HD. Called Apple. They ran be through deleting iWorks and reinstalling it in a fashion designed, apparently, to fool iWorks into thinking it didn't need a serial number. It didn't work.

    I called back today. After some pondering, they said, well, they couldn't find my serial number because I bought the software four years ago. However, since I could provide them with the order number proving I'd bought it in the first place, they'd just have to the best they could.

    To wit, they're sending me a copy of iWork 09, which is £80 new.


    And then they apologised for having to put me on hold for more than two minutes.

    Just for comparison I phoned Orange to ask why my new iPhone's SIM card wasn't activating. I spent longer on hold with Orange than I did on the entire Apple call.

    So ... iFish is quite happy with the fruitputer, thank you very much ^_^

    Current Mood: pleased
    Current Music: Battlelore - "Fangorn"
    Monday, April 29th, 2013
    5:35 am
    Triad Realms
    Okay, so Mojang are developing this thing called Minecraft Realms, which basically means we pay them to host a small Minecraft server for us.

    Anyone interested in joining a Triad Minecraft server?

    Current Mood: accomplished
    Current Music: Wind of Whitby - "Haunting the Holes in Your Roof"
    4:01 am
    But why?
    Third Ghost Hunters dream this fortnight. Haven't even watched the silly stuff in a month or two. Why so many dreams thus then?

    Current Mood: blah
    Current Music: Seagulls Of Whitby - "It's Morning, Let's Shag!"
    Thursday, April 25th, 2013
    10:21 am
    In today's horrible nightmare, Rath was convicted of industrial pollution and sent to jail. The evidence against her? She didn't have an alibi.

    Could someone please come and uninstall Kafka from my brain? :(

    Current Mood: distressed
    Current Music: Seagulls Of Whitby - "This Is My Roof, Get Your Own"
    Tuesday, April 23rd, 2013
    2:48 am
    Surprisingly Few Ghosts
    This morning's nutty dream started when Jason Hawes of Ghost Hunters went missing, leaving behind clues to the locations to dozens of strange packages, many in Turkish, which appear to be from the future. Unsurprisingly a great many people were rather anxious to get hold of them. I got my hands on two, both "information" packages [there were "power" packages and other sorts also], once of which was in Turkish and the other of which appeared to be a bunch of comic books from about 2200, one of which made reference to all life in the seas apparently being wiped out by nicotine poisoning [although whoever did the research apparently couldn't tell dolphins from tunafish].

    Meanwhile, some people were going straight to the source and searching for the missing ghost-hunting plumber, which lead to a man who was once a kangaroo [and got around New York partly by unicycle and party by dancing] disguising himself as Ron Jeremy and teaming up with Elton John to investigate an empty building, having been driven in there by a herd of very curious sheep. Inside, they ran into some supervillain dude dancing in front of a fruit machine. This led to an outbreak of gunfire and the following exchange:

    Kangaroo Man Dressed As Ron Jeremy: Isn't he your ex-boyfriend?
    Elton John: *reloading shotgun* He is now.

    I suppose it beats the Republican Star Destroyers but really, WTF? WTF was all that?

    Current Mood: awake
    Current Music: Passing Heavy Machinery - "RMMMHRMMHMMRMM"
    Sunday, April 21st, 2013
    6:19 am
    Dreaming in Digital
    Okay, brain, well done. Thank you for the HD-quality pre-rendered CGI darker-and-crazier Final Fantasy VII stuff. It was much better than the random "going shopping in Cambridge, stuck in rush hour traffic with my coat caught in the door and a pocket full of strange cards" stuff that woke me up. However, we need to go over a few things:

    1) Vincent's surname is "Valentine", not "Vampire". However, if that was just Cloud being rude because he got one-shot curb-stomped, you're excused.
    2) Staying on theme, it's "Dirge of Cerberus", not "Generation Wolf".
    3) I don't believe Tifa wears her fighting gloves to do the washing-up.
    4) If Cid's in a position to refuse Cloud access to the Highwind, I'm pretty sure that means Aeris is dead and not doing the drying-up for Tifa.
    5) Chilli Sauce *does* induce insta-Limit Breaks, yes, but that's in Epic Battle Fantasy not Final Fantasy.
    6) Whilst we're on the subject of that confusion, Omnislash is Cloud's top-tier Limit Break. Cleaver is Matt's bottom-tier Limit Break. The two do look undeniably similar, yes, but there's that important little distinguishing feature that Cleaver rechecks target availability after each strike. Don't think I didn't see Cloud pausing to re-target there.
    7) If Cloud's going to use a Limit Break-inducing item from another game and then borrow someone else's entry-level Limit Break, he really shouldn't be surprised that he can't hit shit with it, much less Vincent Valentine in mid-transformation whilst on a deranged power-trip.
    8) If you're going to insist Chaos is five hundred feet tall, please render him that size. I understand the ceiling was low but there was no way he was over two hundred feet there.
    9) Speaking of Chaos, the lingering groin shot on the initial pan up was NOT appreciated.
    10) Vincent being both balls-out nuts AND ridiculously over-powered because Lucrecia tricked him into opening the Lament Configuration is both acceptable and rather nifty. Now please explain where *Lucrecia* got the puzzle box from. For once, "Hojo" is not an acceptable answer.
    11) Cid seemed remarkably underwhelmed at being asked to loan Cloud his airship so he could carpet-bomb Vincent from a position of significant altitude. However, I will accept that he was too stunned to respond with his usual choler.

    But it wasn't a nightmare, so all in all, that's a damned improvement. Now, next time put Vincent in Lance's uniform and let's see how he looks in some trousers that don't appear to have pneumatically inflated thighs.

    Current Mood: awake
    Current Music: The Seagulls - "Everybody On The Rooftops Make Some Noise"
    Sunday, June 10th, 2012
    12:21 pm
    Generic Genres
    Playing with iTunes Genius. Amused to note that it considers certain bands to be very strange things.

    Industrial: Venom, Immortal [twice], Mayhem [a track from De Mysteriis, no less] and Inkubus Sukkubus [twice].
    Classic Rock: Mike Oldfield [Songs of Distant Earth, no less] and Lordi [three times].
    Techno/House: Blaze Bayley [twice].
    Pop Metal: Genesis.

    So ... whilst the SEVEN video game soundtracks I have merit their own genre, the MORE THAN NINETY extreme metal albums don't, Lordi and Mike Oldfield complement each other perfectly because really who doesn't want to cut from Monsters of Rock to multi-tracked synthesisers and New Agey samples, the only Immortal album that exists is Sons of Northern Darkness which is as industrial as Antichrist Superstar, and Genesis are more metal than Mayhem.

    In conclusion, iTunes Genius thinks Whitesnake and Rage Against The Machine go with everything. Especially each other.

    Current Mood: confused
    Current Music: That Fucking Drunken Irish Busker
    Tuesday, April 24th, 2012
    1:22 pm
    2x7 Questions Meme
    At it again ... 7 Questions Meme, Twice )

    And now, bolognese or unconsciousness!

    Current Mood: sore
    Current Music: Cult of Luna - "Leave Me Here"
    Thursday, April 5th, 2012
    5:06 pm
    Best Birthday Present Ever
    No, seriously, this is a thing of awe and wonder )

    Current Mood: jubilant
    Current Music: The Devils Blood - The Anti-Kosmik Magick
    Friday, March 2nd, 2012
    2:19 pm
    This Is Not A Meme
    Meme gonked from Braised By Moogles over yonder. Comment and I may or may not give you seven questions/prompts of uncertain intent to write about.

    1. Favorite period in British history?
    Haven't got one. I don't generally favour one thing over everything else.

    2. What effect does a twenty-ton tentacle heckfish have on the local ecology?
    A dramatic depletion in the local populations of green tea and chocolate biscuits. Apparently causes old women in post offices to ask strange questions, although that could just have been my hat. Also, my rare journeys outdoors have been linked to spikes in reports of the walking dead and/or albino Stazi officers.

    3. Poof! You have your own radio show! What do you play and/or talk about?
    Absolutely nothing. I delegate to Rath, because she'd enjoy it far more.

    4. It's the climactic scene in Your Cheesy Action Movie, Starring You! What happens?
    I eat the hero & heroine, obviously.

    5. If I went over to your parents' house for a visit, what embarrassing photos of your childhood would they show me?
    My mother has been trained out of such behaviour. My father still has a photo of me age about 6 on the side table though.

    6. In what units should one measure cute, and how much is too much?
    Cuteness is measured in one fluff, which is one hundredth of a moogle. Anything over eleven fluffs is toxic to fish.

    [Incidentally, the above-mentioned photo of my & my brother rates about twenty-five fluffs]

    7. What side dish goes best with fishy cousins?
    Chip shop chips, obviously!

    Current Mood: sick
    Monday, October 10th, 2011
    4:20 pm
    Unbelievably Bad Writing
    So I was trying a writing exercise from "The 3 AM Epiphany" which, perhaps unsurprisingly, meshed with my usual writing style about as well as a baby dolphin blends with a threshing machine.

    And here is the proof )

    Current Mood: embarrassed
    Current Music: Nobuo Uematsu - "Chasing the Black-Caped Man"
    Friday, September 30th, 2011
    1:36 pm
    You what?
    Reading "Space Marine" by Ian Watson, which contains the most amazing spurs of WRONG, e.g. comparing duelling scars to "a dainty bite, a loving kiss", commenting on a statue's "lush, tough lips" and having burly manly-men Space Marines walking off arm-in-arm after a tiff over artistic foibles.

    And now, to make the internet work better.

    Current Mood: busy
    Current Music: Human Waste Project - "Graverobbers from Mars"
    Friday, August 26th, 2011
    8:15 pm
    Begone, Foul Spider Demons of the Internet!
    As you may be aware, we have been having bad tech-fu up here. We have one working ceiling light out of four and, over the weekend, one working wireless connection out of four, two working computers out of five and one working wireless router out of two. The repair and regeneration of our tech-fu began with The Saga Of The Giant Spider Demons Of The Internet.

    This continued with a return to the Old Grey Router on Wednesday, exorcising a small wireless network spider demon onto the ceiling of my bedroom.

    Last night, frustrated beyond belief that a) Rath's laptop couldn't connect to the internet and b) the big old desktop [ex-Fishpater, now something like ten years old and eligible pension and bus pass] was barely functional due to some form of jammed-up system process that was consuming 100% of the CPU processing power, thus causing it to have mouse-lag that had to be seen to be believed.

    Rath's connection was solved by jigging around with the wireless network security until she could connect, prompting the arrival of a Giant Spider Demon of the Internet on the purple sheepskin rug. Rath bravely trapped it in a Wacken mug whilst I curled up on the chair shouting "Fuck off, you bastard!" in a very worried tone.

    This evening, having backed up as many essential files from Big Old Desktop as possible with a mouse that moves like it's got arthritis in every joints and a computer that's wheezing like it's about to have a coronary, we began searching for the Vista and XP install disks so we could begin the process of reformatting and reinstalling.

    However, Big Old Desktop is terribly old, so prior to wiping it, I opened it up to give its insides a dust-off ... and lo and behold!


    There were spiderwebs dangling from the motherboard and carpeting the I/O board.

    Having delicately scrubbed Big Old Desktop out with an old toothbrush, including flicking dust-matted cobwebs from the northbridge, and shutting the case again, I plugged him back, booted him back up and ...

    ... he's working perfectly.

    So I guess we're just awaiting the arrival of Final Boss Spider?

    EDIT: Big Old Desktop still freezes up when attempting to connect to a wireless network. Poor thing.

    Current Mood: accomplished
    Current Music: Borknagar - "Universal"
    Monday, August 15th, 2011
    8:59 pm
    Violet Bouts of Sequential Hilarity
    Boots is here. You can tell by the violent bouts of sequential hilarity that ended with Monday being cancelled on account of Man Dressed As Penguin.

    Which has just led to Boots filking up "Dude (Looks Like a Penguin)" which I'm sure will be funny when I've had something to eat

    Current Mood: hungry
    Current Music: Orphaned Land - "The Path part 1 - Treading Into Darkness"
    Wednesday, August 10th, 2011
    7:01 pm
    Three Rules To Live By
    • Don't sleep with your best friend's ex
    • Don't mosh to Mayhem
    • Don't salute with your hat on.

    Current Mood: restless
    Current Music: W.A.S.P. - "Wild Child"
    Saturday, March 19th, 2011
    6:14 am
    So about twenty minutes ago the fire alarm started going "bip?".

    Just "bip?". Not "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!". Just "bip?".

    Rath poked the test button. The fire alarm went " ... meh ... ". Apparently it is not well. Now I have to work out in which order to turn bastards out of bed in order to fix it. *Hopefully* this is just the fire alarm saying "I suffer!" rather than it saying "There's a fire downstairs but I'm too feeble to tell you!".

    Having been looking fire alarm faults up for twenty minutes, I find the most common cause of fire alarm faults is just-plain-oldness of the smoke heads [highly possible]. The second most common cause is spikes on the mains. We have, coincidentally, been having flickers on the electricity for quite some time. Oh, the joy.

    Coincidentally, my throat hurts, which could be from some exotic non-detectable-by-fishy-snout burning plastic vapour ... or could just be my resident throat infection aggravated by the smell from the kitchen drain.

    Updates to follow unless we fry. Or unless I fry the landlords/electricians/fire brigade/panful of mushrooms.

    Current Mood: annoyed
    Current Music: Peter Gabriel - "A Different Drum"
    Thursday, March 10th, 2011
    4:49 am
    Wait, what?
    So ... apparently, when people read explicit fanfic/chat RP and go "squeak! thud!" it means they're turned on by it?

    Current Mood: confused
    Current Music: Virgin Steele - "Prelude to Evening"
    Monday, February 14th, 2011
    3:57 pm
    Anyone want a screencap tour of my Minecraft world?

    Current Music: McAuley Schenker - "Anytime"
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